32-Year-Old Forcibly Transferred From College Ministry To Singles’ Ministry | The Babylon Bee

According to sources, Freeman, who dabbled in community college for a few semesters in his late teens before deciding it wasn’t for him, rode his longboard into the college ministry’s building as usual for Wednesday Bible study. College pastor Philip Huxley, whom Freeman affectionately calls “Preacha Hux,” was waiting at the door with several members of the security team to escort the unemployed Freeman to the church’s singles’ ministry on the other side of the property.

While Freeman initially resisted, throwing his flat-billed cap on the ground in disgust and shouting phrases like, “You’re killing me, Smalls,” and “Ice cold, Preacha Hux, ICE COLD,” eventually Huxley and his associate pastor were able to calm him down and gently coax him into the singles’ ministry Bible study by offering him Mountain Dew and a yo-yo.

This might ring familiar to anyone who’s been here long enough to remember Sheila. I certainly thought of her when I read it. Well done! My only complaint is to the reference of the singles group being male-heavy. I… don’t think that’s true in most churches.


Category: Newsroom

About the Author

Will Truman (trumwill) is a southern transplant in the mountain east with an IT background who bides his time taking care of their daughter while his wife brings home the bacon. You will probably be relieved to know that he does not generally refer to himself in the third-person except when he's writing short bios on his web page.

5 Responses to Knowing Your Station

  1. Oscar Gordon says:

    satire, obviously, but quite well done

  2. Brandon Berg says:

    Where’d she go? Is she hiding under a stone or something?

  3. David Alexander says:

    My only complaint is to the reference of the singles group being male-heavy. I… don’t think that’s true in most churches.

    In contrast, most of the Catholic parishes around here are basically donuts in terms of demographics. Children, teens, but no young adults between 18-35. As much as people will say “go meet somebody in church”, it’s nearly impossible in many parishes here in the Pays du Nord.

  4. Φ says:

    I feel like I’m not getting the significance of many of the cultural references: “longboard”, “ice cold”, and “You’re killing me, Smalls” in particular. Is the point that only an early Millennial rather than a late Millennial would still be quoting The Sandlot? Or just to highlight the subject’s apparent suspended adolescence in general?

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