As is not infrequently the case, a discussion broke over at Bobvis about relationship theories and their validity. It reminded me of the great Onion article from a few years back:

Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He’s Single

The focus of Ericsson’s current research is the six-day period preceding his breakup with Osborne back in March 2004.

“According to phone-company records, I called Sara at exactly 7:34 p.m. on March 8, 2004, and asked her to have dinner with me—which she agreed to do after a quick shower,” Ericsson said. “Twelve minutes later, at 7:46 p.m., Sara called to say she had ‘changed her mind’ about dinner, but wanted to come to my apartment to ‘deliver some news.'”

It was there that Osborne announced that she no longer wished to marry Ericsson.

Ericsson continued: “What happened in that 12-minute gap? What—or who—got to her? And why won’t she release her phone records to me?” {…}

Recently, Ericsson examined a newly unearthed 1997 video of him and then-girlfriend Donna Soderblum at his sister’s wedding. According to Ericsson, repeated slow-motion viewings revealed a telling detail.

“See that sneer and eye-roll on Donna’s face, after she turns away from me and goes back to talking to my sister?” Ericsson said. “It’s all there in frames 336 through 408.”

Longtime friend Keith Warren agrees that Ericsson’s single status is not a fluke, but he rejects Ericsson’s analysis.

Said Warren: “I explain all of Bob’s difficulties in my meticulously researched and voluminously footnoted ‘Lone Wardrobe Theory.'”

Ericsson dismissed Warren’s analysis. “Warren’s theory is interesting, but it has a long way to go in explaining why I’ve remained single for more than two years. There is no explanation why, for example, I am rejected by women even when I go out to bars,” he said.

A related, also significant Onion article from a few years back:

Unattractive Man Just Like A Brother To Area Woman

The two spend a great deal of time together, talking on the phone for hours when Leland has had a bad day, shopping at women’s shoe stores and attending Drama Queens shows, at which Pelton generally carries all the equipment to the van while Leland lets men from the club buy her drinks after her set.

While Leland’s friends have never questioned the platonic nature of the relationship, Pelton’s co-workers have encouraged him to “take it to the next level.”

“I always tell them it’s not like that between Tara and me,” Pelton said. “And, besides, she’s seeing Derek right now. I think we’re too much alike for something like that to work, anyway.”

“Perhaps, though, if it were the right time, I’d be open to seeing her romantically, I guess,” said Pelton, whose skin still shows the slight scarring effects of heavy teen acne. “Because we really care about each other a lot.”